


Subterfuge

by a_taller_tale



Series: RvB Bingo Wars [2]
Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Blood Gulch Chronicles, Church is totally a fucking ghost, Everyone wants Donut's Cookies, Hijinks & Shenanigans, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-07
Updated: 2017-04-07
Packaged: 2018-10-16 01:13:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10560884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_taller_tale/pseuds/a_taller_tale
Summary: The pink guy is in Blue Base. Church always liked that guy.





	

**Author's Note:**

> ″Blood Gulch” square for Red Team Bingo. Set after the events of Season 1.

Church had been planning on his usual morning routine. Take a mug of coffee out of the base and pretend coffee had any effect on him whatsoever. Maybe look at the view the His and Her set of graves had of the base. Stare into the sun and contemplate why he was stuck in fucking purgatory with a bunch of assholes instead of being in heaven with Tex. 

Well, maybe she was in hell. She was kind of a bitch. 

Church’s philosophy as leader of Blue Team was to let the two morons sleep as long as possible to extend the few hours of fucking _peace_ to be had in this canyon. Once Tucker or Caboose got up they’d probably have Caboose play “the lifting game” to get all the supplies from the last drop into the base while he and Tucker shot the shit. 

The Red sergeant was working on some new robots since they were missing Lopez. Lopez, the robot Church had decided to possess permanently so he didn’t have to project for all of these motherfuckers all the time. It took a lot of ghost energy or whatever. So Church was looking forward to a quiet morning wallowing in silence. 

He was really over playing lookout for the Reds to attack at this point anyway. Even when they did manage to get their shit together to make a run on Blue Base they fucking sucked at it. Half the time they came over the orange one forgot to bring extra ammo. 

Last time the orange guy—Grif—waited until the others weren’t looking and gave him a surreptitious thumbs up. Seemed like Church wasn’t the only one done with the whole war game. He’d sighed and given him a thumbs up back. Early retreats were less hassle anyway. 

Going from the hall to the kitchen Church almost tripped over somebody’s mess. “Jesus Christ…” Church muttered to himself. He was going to fucking _lose it._ Was he immortal? Would he have to deal with this bullshit until they all died? 

What if they came back as ghosts too? 

That was a horrifying thought. Fucking eternity with all the _goddamn questions. ‘Are we best friends?’ ‘Can I use the sniper rifle?’ ‘Do you really like me?’ ‘What are they talking about now?’_

Hopefully they slept past noon— “Oh, hey Donut.” ...That was going to be difficult with a Red in his kitchen humming the opening number to the musical Hairspray. 

“Good morning to you too! Appletini?” Donut held out a glass with a bright green tint to it, drinking his own red one. The pink guy wasn’t even in his goddamn armor. He was wearing civvies and had somehow managed to get their flag and fold it into something resembling a kitchen apron. 

“It’s seven in the morning. Where did you even get the—? No. Forget it. Get the fuck out of our base.” 

Donut fluttered his eyelashes and leaned back against the counter. The Red was attractive, especially considering the other specimens there were to choose from around here. Donut looked like he could be a glossy ad for a preppy college, aside from the massive burn scar from a sticky on the right side of his face. 

Oh, right. 

“You’re the one who killed Tex.” Church folded his arms. “I’m still pissed.” 

He should kill him, right? Defend her honor? He looked back down the hallway nervously. But Caboose was such a light sleeper. 

“Who? The girl in black armor? She tried to kill me first. Although I guess I should thank her. The boys who fixed me up stripped me right out of that boring regulation red. That color didn’t go with my complexion at _all._ Where is she anyway?” 

“Dead. Because you killed her.” 

“Oh! Riiiiiight.” He ignored Church’s threat to boot him and took some another sip of his drink. “It’s a pear orange cranberry bellini martini. My own recipe. Maybe you’d like something Red better.” He raised one perfect eyebrow. 

“It’s pink.” 

Donut sniffed, offended. “Okay, no one can resist my cookies. Citrus orange ginger, fresh out of the oven.” 

Fuck, he wished he wasn’t in a robot body now. The pink guy’s cookies were the best. “I’m uh… on a diet.” 

Donut stuck his bottom lip out. “Well, I’ll get out of your hair then. You make sure you save some cookies for Caboose and tell him we’re still on for nail night.” 

“Right.” _Wait._ “What—” 

Suddenly Donut was in his face. “Goodbye kiss?” 

“What the—? You killed my girlfriend!” Church screeched before remembering he was trying to be quiet. He listened tensely, but didn’t hear anyone moving. 

Donut smiled, immediately catching on to his train of thought. “Kiss me or I’ll scream.” 

Alright, what Tex didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her. She was in the afterlife with angels and shit and he was stuck here with loud annoying idiots and three more hours of peace and quiet were worth a little peck. 

Donut hung off of Church like he was a completely romanced heroine from an ancient black and white movie. Church peeked one eye open. Yup, he even had one leg quirked up behind him. It wasn’t like that with Tex. Tex always— Tex kissed— 

Huh. 

He actually couldn’t remember the way Tex kissed. Or the last time they’d kissed at all. But they must have. She was his girlfriend! 

Being a ghost came with a depressing amount of memory problems. 

Luckily, Donut was a surprisingly good kisser. Church’s sensors were going wild with enough input that he wasn’t as bothered by his missing memories suddenly. 

With a few soft pecks, Donut pulled back. Church opened his eyes slowly, only to be met with a perfect smile full of shining white teeth. “ _I knew it_ ,” he said with a feral grin. 

“What?” 

“A- _hah!_ You _fiend_! You scoundrel!” Donut pointed in his face. “I’d know those lips anywhere! You stole Lopez!” 

“Wait, you ‘know his lips?’” What the fuck was going on? How would the Reds aside from Sarge know Lopez had a realistic human body under his armor anyway? The robot kit was supposed to be standard military equipment. 

“A teammate makes it his business to know any of their lips anywhere for just these types of situations!” 

“I should be offended you weren’t actually interested in kissing me,” Church said flatly. 

“You’re the _enemy._ It’s called _subterfuge_. This was a mission for information and you just _handed it to me_.” His tone said the ‘kissing your enemy’ thing was definitely doing something for him. 

“Alright, you need to shut the fuck up and go back to Red Base.” The Reds were _so fucking loud._

Donut drained the last of his bellini martini and smashed the glass on the floor, before whipping around dramatically. “You haven’t seen the last of Double-O-Donut!” 

“Ugh, _GET OUT_.” 

“Someday I will free you, Lopez!” Donut said, clutching his fist to his heart. “Don’t stop believing! Never stop!” With a last toss of his head, Donut pulled the Blue flag off of himself to flutter over the broken glass and walked off like any path he took was a runway. 

Church heard the Warthog start up to drive Donut the five feet back to the other base, suspicious Donut only made the martinis so he could smash one dramatically and leave glass all over the floor. 

Church sighed. The guys were definitely awake after all of that. At least one of them could clean up the glass or something. Tucker appeared first, reaching around Church to grab one of the cookies. “Dude, were you just making out with one of the Reds? You know that’s gay, right?” 

“Yes, I know two guys kissing is gay. Shut up Tucker.” Church stuffed two cookies in his mouth stubbornly even though he’d just have to clean them out of this body later. 

“Hey, I’m all for you having a boyfriend if he cooks for us. These cookies are awesome. And I still have dibs on the girl Red if we’re allowed to date them.” 

“The girl one?” 

“Yeah, the pink one. It’s a chick color! What’re you stupid?” 

_Yeah, okay._ “Sure, Tucker. You can have the pink one.” He stuffed another cookie in his mouth. 

* * *

Donut made his way back to Red Base, having had a fantastic morning. He’d always had a thing for ghosts, but he and Church’s irresistible chemistry would just have to wait. Donut had a rescue mission to plan, and Double-O-Donut always gets his man! 


End file.
